hello.
wah this is starting to be real... i am facing the reality of my decision everyday. sitting in my little booth in the church office tapping away on my laptop, rushing out designs for the upcoming Good News Singapore (which i highly recommend all to come); i bought a bunch of stuff from IKEA the other day to make my space feel more inviting, but the main reason (i have to admit) is that i am just trying to distract myself from the real-ness of everything - i might be working at church all my life. ahhh!

it is really overwhelming man, the process of purging out your self-ambitions and go for a path that God calls you to go to. it is scary because it does not work the way you usually think it will work, you have to rely on faith and plain belief that God will see you through. christianity has become more than a hobby, it is turning into a lifestyle... and it is hard! church is now no longer a place of recreation, where i come and gather with fellow chrisitian buddies and worship God for the weekend... to get away from weekdays where you are in other environments and mixing around with other people. right now, i am in church 24/7. all the people around me are christians, constantly doing God's work, striving to do God's ministry. from where i was four months ago, this is really a big difference! i am freaking out!

i can't help but feel a little alone in this though... i still get weird responses when i tell friends that i am in bible school, working at church... i get people telling me that i would never change, i would revert to my old ways some day... some theorize that i am using God to run away from 'real life.' the truth is: everything i have heard, i have considered and thought through before already. it still doesn't make complete sense - getting paid peanuts, studying something i am still very much clueless about, too 'siao on' and over 'holy', not pursuing the normal design track - but, i am still going for it. i guess i am still learning to not listen to myself too much... still struggling with complaining and thinking about the other possibilities in life... sigh i know... i am already where i am, i should go for it and go all the way. but really, i am feeling really terrified and vulnerable.

i probably still take too much importance in my own life and am in that frantic mentality where i dramatize this whole decision thing. i mean, i already chose this path right? why keep looking back? in the bible, we learn that everything belongs to God. even our lives... urgh! i am still trying to take that in. i still want what i want.

maybe i should stop this fighting and just focus on the end of this path. focus on God, focus on His plans... but easier said than done when almost everything around you says otherwise and even your self wars with you man! but i have to work on it i guess. this could possibly be my learning curve.

sigh, i am re-reading this and this post has a lot of 'but's. but like i said, i am still learning... trying. arghhhhh... :(

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"i give you my all, i give you everything in me
i give you my heart, i give you all my hopes and dreams"